Not a perfect life

I was having rough time in my career. I've been jumping around a lot in this 2-3 years but it is not due to career progression. Everything is stagnant if not worse than my earlier career experience. I am scared most of the time and demotivated to even come to work. Nothing really excites me and getting bad comments from superior during appraisal make it worse.

My first superior was the kind of boss who can be challenged. He let me throw my own ideas or disagree with him. He shaped the way I worked. Then I started working with different superior who kinda rigid and i get restless. I get angry. The next superiors apparently made it worse for me (at least). They were mostly not only rigid but very authoritative in the sense that you cant say no or do things differently.

 Now I'm tired with all the fighting. I am doing things that i dont really believe in just for the sake of avoiding arguments. I lost my creative side. I become more and more demotivated with work. I was once dream high for my career. I aspire to be in vice president office but now I might be retired as mediocre engineer; no achievement to be proud of.

This is such a gloomy entry. But i just wanted to throw it out there. People seems to see my life kinda perfect sometimes. It is far from perfect. We all have skeletons hiding in the closet. Just because we talked mostly about the good things in life, doenst mean we dont experience the bad one. Talking about bad experience is painful and you just dont go around and telling people about it.

The truth is, I am a fighter. I'll continue fighting. You should too. Never let people or surrounding beat you down. This moment will pass, good or bad. We can blame everything to everyone or to fate but in the end, this is our life. We have to take charge of it. We have to take charge with our own happiness.

Life is hard but it is worth fighting for, inshallah.

To stay in love is hard work

Truthfully, I wasnt a fan of online romantic relationship advice. I am a believer that each relationship is unique on its own term with basic values such as mutual respect, compromising and communication.

Hence i dont think there is any advice that rules them all. Not everyone can be romantic or cook nice dish or become overly-attached partner. I dont think it works out that way.

Finding a life partner is like finding a piece of jigsaw puzzle that fit your space. You could be a quick temper and you find someone who calm at most time and could handle those quick temper. Or you are clumsy at times and you find someone with patience and teach you to be less clumsy. These changes were not done out of force but love. You learned to control your temper or you avoid anything that could trigger the temper. You learn to make notes or checklist so that you could be less clumsy, you watched every steps more carefully than before.

Hubs and I have been together for about 10 years and I never think it is an easy thing to do. Haha. We fought like any other couple. We disagree about a lot of things. We annoy each other with our own bad habits. But we hold on to one thing; To stay in love is hard work. Love just dont stay the way it is if we dont work hard for it. If we feel like giving up, that is when love died.

So, dont give up in finding love. Some of us get lucky that we found it earlier but it is better to stay single than to be in bad relationship.

p/s: please ignore my bad grammar. i'll try to proof read later, hehe.

Pregnancy & Delivery Story of Baby A: Part II

Hi, where was i last time? Oh, my labor experience.

Anyway, i literally make promise to myself not to give birth anymore because it is soooo painful. The pain haunted me for few months but i forgotten about it after a year, urgh.

After labor and stitches, nurses cleaned me and brought me back to my room. I felt surreal. My baby was still under-care because she was exposed about 25 hours after the water broke and paeds wanted to monitor her for any infections. But it wasnt long, baby came back and i breastfed her (which i thought i knew how, silly me). Parents in law came to visit and performed tahnik.

That night, baby was put in nursery but the nurse will brought her to me whenever baby cries for milk or whenever that i requested the baby. So i had pretty much a good time in the hospital. As far as i know, my baby purely on breast milk. Few other friends pointed out that some hospital gave newborn formula milk even though the parents already informed that they wanted to breastfeed the baby.

The hospital provided newborn pampers, clothes, wet tissue for the baby through out the time we were there. I was given maternity pads as well. Before leaving, we get a goodie bag full of baby essentials.

The real chaos started after we left hospital and started confinement at home; being a first time parent and apparently parenthood or motherhood doesnt really kicked in. In the end, everything went well. We learnt one thing at a time and havent stop learning.

Alhamdulillah, overall we had a very good labour experience at Columbia Asia Setapak. Hopefully this sharing could help and give overview to expecting mothers.

cheers!

Pregnancy & Delivery Story of Baby A: Part I

oh hi. It has been a year! I got into instagram and wrote more there but somehow i missed writing in here too. Anyway, i did a lot of research (read: googling) about a lot of things and i think Malaysians are still lacking in writing? it is hard to find information in regards to Malaysia community/geography. So i decided to write my experience on the blog as well so that it can be a reference to my fellow Malaysians. Hence, i might write both in english and bahasa melayu.

So I delivered a cute baby girl last year. My first born. We picked Columbia Asia Setapak for monthly checked-up. It was unintentionally actually because i did first checked up at many clinics but none can see the sack and most suspected it was an ectopic pregnancy. So after a lot of crying (haha, drama queen here), we went to Columbia Asia Setapak with in mind that we had to drop this pregnancy and i will have to go through a minor surgery.

Our doc did abdomen scan on top of my tummy and still couldnt find anything. i was supposed to be 12 weeks pregnant but the sacks is nowhere to be found. So the doc calmly suggesting to do vaginal scan (bohooo) and wallaaaaa! there it was; the sack and the heartbeat. *cryblood*

So, hubs decided that, that doc will be our doc to deliver our baby. haha. See, how influential hubs in making most of the decisions. But i agreed with him there and then because after meeting few doctors that may be conventional in nature but felt really pessimistic to us, I liked the way our doc approached us. She was not intimidating or too quick making judgement. So i decided i need this kind of doctor through out my first pregnancy journey and Alhamdulillah i can say that we made a very good choice.

The whole pregnancy was okay so nothing to tell on that. My water broke at 37-38 weeks. Doctor checked vaginal opening previously and i already 2cm dilated if i was not mistaken. the next day my water broke and i was not so sure exactly what to do. We called both moms and both urged us to go to the hospital. We checked in at midnight and the midwives checked and it was still 2-3cm dilated. I had no contractions so I just slept well through the night.

Came morning, I was sent to labour room and doc came to check on me and i still had no contractions. Doctor suggested to go for induce because my water broke for more than 12 hours and i must deliver the baby before it reached 24 hours after my water broke. Apparently, once your water broke, chances for the baby to get infections is very high.

So i get induced directly from the drip around afternoon and contraction came likes crazy. The good thing is the doctor already mentioned that she dont mind for me to walk around or squatting and jalan itik. hahaha. So instead of laying down, i got to walk around. but that only lasted about one hour and after that the contraction was super painful. and everytime the midwives came to check, i did not dilated much. 1 cm per hour will not worked for me, i dont think i can handle it much longer. I was ready for cesarean.

Hubs predicted i will deliver around 5pm in the evening but i was only 7cm dilated by then. It was too painful. Even previously the doctor always said that i was kinda tough handling the pain (when she did vaginal checking, i was so calm) but not this one. The doctor came around 5.30 and said i was almost 10cm dilated and can start pushing (yeayy!)

All nurses cheered around me. Hubs was on my side, looking over me and the birthing process. I had a flu so my breath was short. It took me about 4-5 pushes when finally the baby came through. Phewwwwww, such a relief really. The pain stopped immediately. Here came my 3.7kg baby!

Many said the sewing (not sure the right word) is painful but it wasnt really for me. I think the contractions are the most painful; it was as if my body was going to split into two.

Woah, it has been such a long essay on my pregnancy and delivery. I'll probably continue on the next post.

It's a her

I miss having an uninterrupted 8 hours sleep. I miss the space that I had on my bed previously. I miss not having daily backache. I miss not being rush to do everything. I miss having me time.

but I have no regret. I've been asking and praying for this experience from Allah. He answers it at the right time. He always do.

Our little bundle of joy arrived last March. I'm still feeling disbelieved. A miracle indeed. Mashallah. Allahuakbar.

Life change tremendously. I am learning. I am grateful. I am content. Alhamdulillah.

Butternut Squash

We've been about 2 weeks in 2017. When (almost) everything turns out good in your life, time flew very fast!

We've stayed under one roof for about 4 months and it seems like it has been that way all these time. Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah.

But things might not stay this bright and cheerful. We are going to have a very difficult year for 2017. So many uncertainty. We might have to go into another LDR due to work demand, again!

It is scary and i am scared whenever the thoughts come to mind. I put all my hopes and prayers to Allah and may Allah ease our journey. I just live the moment and appreciate every single hour that we spend together.

For 2017, I hope I can do better in term of career. The first three quarter of 2016 was very challenging in term of career and I wasted all my chances with self pity. I need to be better. At least I owe it to myself.


Hasta la vista 2016! Welcome 2017.

Chinese Cabbage

I've mentioned before that I love reading Quora. So today one of the topic that I read is: What is the saddest thing you've ever seen as a police officer?

and below is one of the answer and it really struck me. I put an excerpt but you can read the full answer by clicking the link below.

I don’t know. 

It depends on the level of empathy you got. 

I could go and share a single story. But that won’t do justice to countless other similar incidents I experienced. 

Inhumanity knows no limits. Perpetrators will leave the scenes that scream macabre and ghast. Cops would not only have to bear it but also make sense of it to get results. Every Scene and every victim (DOA) will present you with different perspective and stir. I like to think that a well decorated film director cannot get mental images so gruesome in his wildest imaginations that a Cop witnesses in real life. 

Obviously Cops tend to get used to it. There is no way around. But still... after 16 years in the department, I do get sad or shocked. 

We are talking about crimes against a person, to be more specific fatal and sexual offences. 

Empathy, Ladies and Gentlemen. That makes you feel somebody’s pain and suffering.

https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-saddest-thing-youve-ever-seen-as-a-police-officer/answer/Neman-Ashraf?srid=JCGh

Large Mango

As I'm writing this, I'm drinking a mango float and it taste so freaking delicious. However, I'm not going to talk about mango float, haha.

I've been re-assigned to another department. Truthfully I really dont mind. I cant really fit in the previous department; social wise and work wise. I told myself not to complain because I get to be with family which is the most important of this.  But i do get demotivate especially when I have more time reading Quora than doing an actual job.

I was not lobbying anyone and I did not complain. I just come to work as usual, punch my attendance and do any task assigned (if any). And last week I got a phone call from HR and asked if i mind to be re-assigned to other department as that department require manpower. Woah. It could not have been any better.


Alhamdulillah, I love it here so far. I get to learn a lot of new things, enhance my technical capability and more encouraging colleagues. Anyway it is too soon to tell but that's how I feel so far. It is gonna be challenging truthfully but i've always been a fan of new adventure and challenges.

Wish me luck.

Banana

I know that by this age I should be concerned with my beauty regime and body health. Lines on my forehead and eyes are not that visible yet but I might wake up one day and looking like 10 years older. Phewww.

Everyone will age. But some age beautifully than another and I think it comes down to our lifestyle: food diet, exercising, positive thoughts or beauty regime. It is gonna be hard, coming from daily nasi lemak to oats. Cakes to fruit yogurt. Masak lemak cili api to soup. But in the end of the day, the choice is truly ours to make.

Yep, I'm not into that journey yet. I'm cautious with it but making the first step is really tough. Older women in my surrounding (ie: mom and mil) are particular with health and beauty and I can see the results now. They aged better than most women at their age, i bet even better than anyone that is few year younger than them.

Let's try one step at a time. Step 1: Remove makeup. Step 2: wear sunblock & moisturizer daily. aaaand we have so many steps to go. *sigh

Small cantaloupe

It is truly funny to see the world went chaos over one person. Since I'm an avid reader of Quora, I've read arguments from both supporters. For me, it is an interesting twist of event. Though after reading about both candidates, i can sense that trump could win and yep he did.


Trump would surprise us in a different angle I believe. But we shall wait and see on that. Clinton is trickier than we expected, I supposed. But I also read somewhere that USA is not ready for female president, woah.


All the best USA. World is indeed going crazy.

Onion

Yesterday is our 8 years anniversary of being together. But it did not start well. When he picked me up from work, i unintentionally slamming the car door. He is mad and I am mad as well for being scold over silly things. Plus I had a headache.

You see, it was not a good start for us. We went home and I lie on the bed. He was doing everything he wanted to do. I planned to sleep through the night without having dinner. It is rare occasion that we both mad to each other.

But I'm a softy. hehe. After an hour sleep, I woke up and made dinner. A simple mee goreng basah for the both of us. He probably wont eat since he was mad at me. But in the middle of cooking, he came and cuddled me from behind.

Oh boy, that's all I needed really. Everything else seems perfect afterwards. That is how we celebrate our 8 years. and a vacation in 2 weeks time. haha.

In all seriousness, I love this man so much. 8 years has been a wonderful ride though. May this relationship last till jannah.

Navel Orange

Currently I'm addicted to this particular song; Wherever I go by One Republic. First of all, One Republic is one of my fav band so listening to their song now and then is not unusual for me.

Have you listen to a song and it stuck with you? as if it meant more than just a song. As if it stores stories for you and somehow relatable to you?

Some people lie but they're looking for magic
Others are quietly going insane
I feel alive when I'm close to the madness
No easy love could ever make me feel the same

I dont know why. This song just it. So I leave it here. Dont forget to watch the music video as well. 

Plum

Many things have happened in the past few weeks. Besides the whole thing in the previous blogpost, I've finally moved and stayed with him. Yeay for me.

You see, after enduring the LDR for quite some time, Allah finally answers my prayers. So far, it feels great. Hopefully it will stay that way. The chores and learning to share everything with someone definitely is not easy. But I would never exchange it with another LDR.

Work office changes as well. I'm lonely, work-wise. People here seems distant and cold. I'm having trouble making friends *sigh.

I can get through this inshallah. I've always been a fighter after all.

Prune

Nothing appeared in the screen after a few US. I prepared myself for the bad news. My mood went down the drain. I cant stop thinking about it. Then again, he motivated me. He always said the nicest thing to keep up my spirit.

'Allah tahu apa yang terbaik untuk kita. If it meant to be, it will be.'

After countless of clinics/hospital visits, I've started to feel redha and anticipate for any results. No one knew about it except for him and our moms from both sides. I dont talked about it to others. I cant; that's me in time of crisis, i rather dwell it alone rather than talked about it publicly.

We went to the last hospital that have the technology required. While waiting, we talked about me being hospitalized and getting ready for an operation. We went inside the consultation room and talked to the doctor with a reference letter from previous doctor. We did not giving up but there is a fine line between in denial and surrendered. We chose to surrender everything to Allah.

The doctor performed the US and wallah, there it is. We saw it for the first time with the heart beat. MasyaAllah. O Allah the Greatest.

I almost had no hope left, but Allah took it awhile from us and reminds us that everything is under His will. If it meant to be, it will be.

It has been such a roller-coaster ride. Thank you Allah for this blessing. I'm in awed. still am.

Raspberry

So this tiny raspberry is playing such a cheeky game with us. We went for US last week and we saw nothing. My heart dropped, literally. The doc assured us that it is something not to be worried and we need to come back in 2 weeks time. My other half as usual made a lame joke; that tiny raspberry was playing hide and seek!


In a way I'm a bit nervous and I really hope everything goes well. But in the matter of rezki, we must put trust in Allah. If it meant to be ours, it will be ours. So, I try to be positive and take a good care of myself. I need to or else I'll go crazy about this.


If anyone that read this, please make dua' for me. keeping my mind at peace aint easy these past days.

Blueberry

So today is a pretty odd day. It starts off very interesting. Of all my life, stripes or lines were never my thing. Not until after tying the knot, oh boy having a double line is something that I looked forward every freaking month.

So today is the day. I met my first double line. I thought about it, even dream of it but today it became true. Allah. I'm in shocked. dumbfounded. speechless.

It finally happened!

Based on my App tracker, it's in a size of blueberry. I would love to documented the journey, hopefully inshallah.

Then which of the favors of your lord will ye deny?
Ar rahman: 3

Thank you Allah.

Split Identity

I was carpooling with few guys in the car on the way back to working place (which is approx. 3 hours drive from home). They are new colleagues and they just got to know my other half.  Those who already knew him, knows how he is a total opposite of me. I'm loud and cheeky at times while he is more polite and composed. Haha.

These people barely met him. and yes, I should be more like him as people do mature with time. but, he knows this side of me. I'll dance around when the mall played song that I like, make stupid remarks when nervous or laugh loudly in the public. I'll tone down this side of me whenever with him at public (I'll still get crazy when we're both alone, duh) and they were quite shocked to see that side of me.

So, once we're all in the car, they shouted at me. they said I have a split identity and I did not show my true color to him. oh, come one. I choose to be that way and he likes me because of my crazy personality.

Don't you act differently with your best friend and acquaintance? it does not necessarily means we have a split identity aite? hahaha.

till then.

the LDR

Last night we were talking through the phone as usual. Being far from each other, the only means of connection that we have is mobile phone. Usually we talked twice a day, sharing our daily activity and what not. Sometimes we discussed serious matters and not talking about it in front of each other was excruciating. But we get used to it. We have to. We really dont have a choice aren't we?

So last night he was talking about my clothes.

" Baby, you have a lot of green and koko clothes." I giggled while he's counting.

"At least you 5 green and 4 koko jubah and baju kurung."

"I have other colors as well but they are here with me. I have a lot of dark blue blouse, you know."

I can sense his smile through the phone. My heart smile too. For some, our conversation sounded dull and boring but his attentive manner towards me is heart melting really.

The distance maybe painful but we take it positively. Maybe this is one way from Allah to train us to be more patience in our relationship. And to prepare us for more adversity in the future. Yet we keep praying that one fine day will come and we can be together as family.

Of being skeptical: not easily convinced; having doubts or reservations.

I am an avid driver. I travelled 4 hours every week going back hometown for 2 and half year, alone. There was no highway back then, hence the route is quite challenging. Once in a while, I felt sleepy driving, I took a nap at nearby mosque. alone. Scary isn't it. A girl driving and sleeping alone in a quiet route.

Tawakkal. All I have is that Allah is watching over me. aint joking, that is what I felt. As going back hometown every week is my obligation towards my parent, I pray that He will watch over me; my safety, my condition and my health. This is where I truly learnt the concept of tawakkal and it gives massive impact on how I see the world afterwards.

So, I believe that I am a strong and independent woman. When you're one, it easy to feel skeptic to others. When you hear someone said that they afraid of driving alone and they cant do something if there is no guy around, you feel skeptical towards them. You looked down on them. You belittled their effort.

I trapped in that connotation once. But as time goes by, it dawns on me that everyone have different capability. Instead of being cynical and skeptic, I should try to understand them better. Everyone was raised differently, hence they have different life values.

So quit being skeptic towards others. If you were raised poor, don't be skeptic to the rich. If you were raised academically well, don't look down on less smart people. Understand first, then you judge.

anger management

It is official that I am not patience. I'm that kind of girl who is rather climb the stairs than waiting for elevator (up only level 3, aha!). Previously, I'll try to deny it and acted cool about everything. But, as much as I would love to train myself to be more patience, I am not one yet. The only thing different is now I can control my reaction better compared to before.

Instead of giving a cynical remarks or showing tantrum, now I just kept myself quiet and tried to suppress my anger and find something good to talk about.

But once in a while, I get loose. I can't suppress that anger. and I'm scared of myself whenever that happened (though it is very rare nowadays).

Now, what really grinds my gears: what the heck touch n go website took so long to load?! grrrrr