Of being skeptical: not easily convinced; having doubts or reservations.

I am an avid driver. I travelled 4 hours every week going back hometown for 2 and half year, alone. There was no highway back then, hence the route is quite challenging. Once in a while, I felt sleepy driving, I took a nap at nearby mosque. alone. Scary isn't it. A girl driving and sleeping alone in a quiet route.

Tawakkal. All I have is that Allah is watching over me. aint joking, that is what I felt. As going back hometown every week is my obligation towards my parent, I pray that He will watch over me; my safety, my condition and my health. This is where I truly learnt the concept of tawakkal and it gives massive impact on how I see the world afterwards.

So, I believe that I am a strong and independent woman. When you're one, it easy to feel skeptic to others. When you hear someone said that they afraid of driving alone and they cant do something if there is no guy around, you feel skeptical towards them. You looked down on them. You belittled their effort.

I trapped in that connotation once. But as time goes by, it dawns on me that everyone have different capability. Instead of being cynical and skeptic, I should try to understand them better. Everyone was raised differently, hence they have different life values.

So quit being skeptic towards others. If you were raised poor, don't be skeptic to the rich. If you were raised academically well, don't look down on less smart people. Understand first, then you judge.

anger management

It is official that I am not patience. I'm that kind of girl who is rather climb the stairs than waiting for elevator (up only level 3, aha!). Previously, I'll try to deny it and acted cool about everything. But, as much as I would love to train myself to be more patience, I am not one yet. The only thing different is now I can control my reaction better compared to before.

Instead of giving a cynical remarks or showing tantrum, now I just kept myself quiet and tried to suppress my anger and find something good to talk about.

But once in a while, I get loose. I can't suppress that anger. and I'm scared of myself whenever that happened (though it is very rare nowadays).

Now, what really grinds my gears: what the heck touch n go website took so long to load?! grrrrr

Penawar

Di awal kerja dulu saya selalu dilanda tekanan kerja. Mungkin masih baru, terlalu banyak perkara untuk dipelajari. Lalu saya cuba mencari ketenangan dengan bersosial dengan sahabat handai. Saya keluar makan malam hari dan menonton wayang saban minggu. Saya berasa seronok dan melalui hari-hari sebegitu bagaikan sang penagih.

Tetapi itu adalah keseronokan yang bersifat sementara. Bila badan terlentang di tilam, fikiran menerawang. Saya masih resah. Saya menjadi pemarah (read: bitter) dengan setiap perkara yang kecil. Cuma saya cuba untuk tidak bersifat negatif tapi jauh di sudut hati saya tahu, saya resah.


Sehinggalah saya bertemu Tuhan. Saya cuba mencari Tuhan setelah bertahun saya fikir saya mampu beroleh ketenangan melalui manusia dan dunia. Saya nekad mencari Tuhan. Jika selama ini solat selalu di hujung waktu dan asal siap. Saya cuba untuk menjadikan solat paling utama. Saya cuba walaupun masih lagi terbabas. Saya cuba membaiki bacaan Al Quran sebanyak mungkin. Saya kembali belajar untuk melengkapkan ibadah yang ada.


Kadang-kadang saya menangis kerana takut. Takut jika hati ini tidak istiqamah, takut tergoda lagi dengan semua ini. Kali ini saya takut dengan sepenuhnya.

Lalu, Allah juga hadirkan rasa tenang tak berbelah bahagi. Setiap kali runsing dan resah, saya berdoa. Ajaibnya Allah hadirkan rasa tenang begitu sahaja tanpa sebarang pengantara.


Cubalah, mungkin kita berkongsi penawar yang sama.