Large Mango

As I'm writing this, I'm drinking a mango float and it taste so freaking delicious. However, I'm not going to talk about mango float, haha.

I've been re-assigned to another department. Truthfully I really dont mind. I cant really fit in the previous department; social wise and work wise. I told myself not to complain because I get to be with family which is the most important of this.  But i do get demotivate especially when I have more time reading Quora than doing an actual job.

I was not lobbying anyone and I did not complain. I just come to work as usual, punch my attendance and do any task assigned (if any). And last week I got a phone call from HR and asked if i mind to be re-assigned to other department as that department require manpower. Woah. It could not have been any better.


Alhamdulillah, I love it here so far. I get to learn a lot of new things, enhance my technical capability and more encouraging colleagues. Anyway it is too soon to tell but that's how I feel so far. It is gonna be challenging truthfully but i've always been a fan of new adventure and challenges.

Wish me luck.

Banana

I know that by this age I should be concerned with my beauty regime and body health. Lines on my forehead and eyes are not that visible yet but I might wake up one day and looking like 10 years older. Phewww.

Everyone will age. But some age beautifully than another and I think it comes down to our lifestyle: food diet, exercising, positive thoughts or beauty regime. It is gonna be hard, coming from daily nasi lemak to oats. Cakes to fruit yogurt. Masak lemak cili api to soup. But in the end of the day, the choice is truly ours to make.

Yep, I'm not into that journey yet. I'm cautious with it but making the first step is really tough. Older women in my surrounding (ie: mom and mil) are particular with health and beauty and I can see the results now. They aged better than most women at their age, i bet even better than anyone that is few year younger than them.

Let's try one step at a time. Step 1: Remove makeup. Step 2: wear sunblock & moisturizer daily. aaaand we have so many steps to go. *sigh

Small cantaloupe

It is truly funny to see the world went chaos over one person. Since I'm an avid reader of Quora, I've read arguments from both supporters. For me, it is an interesting twist of event. Though after reading about both candidates, i can sense that trump could win and yep he did.


Trump would surprise us in a different angle I believe. But we shall wait and see on that. Clinton is trickier than we expected, I supposed. But I also read somewhere that USA is not ready for female president, woah.


All the best USA. World is indeed going crazy.

Onion

Yesterday is our 8 years anniversary of being together. But it did not start well. When he picked me up from work, i unintentionally slamming the car door. He is mad and I am mad as well for being scold over silly things. Plus I had a headache.

You see, it was not a good start for us. We went home and I lie on the bed. He was doing everything he wanted to do. I planned to sleep through the night without having dinner. It is rare occasion that we both mad to each other.

But I'm a softy. hehe. After an hour sleep, I woke up and made dinner. A simple mee goreng basah for the both of us. He probably wont eat since he was mad at me. But in the middle of cooking, he came and cuddled me from behind.

Oh boy, that's all I needed really. Everything else seems perfect afterwards. That is how we celebrate our 8 years. and a vacation in 2 weeks time. haha.

In all seriousness, I love this man so much. 8 years has been a wonderful ride though. May this relationship last till jannah.

Navel Orange

Currently I'm addicted to this particular song; Wherever I go by One Republic. First of all, One Republic is one of my fav band so listening to their song now and then is not unusual for me.

Have you listen to a song and it stuck with you? as if it meant more than just a song. As if it stores stories for you and somehow relatable to you?

Some people lie but they're looking for magic
Others are quietly going insane
I feel alive when I'm close to the madness
No easy love could ever make me feel the same

I dont know why. This song just it. So I leave it here. Dont forget to watch the music video as well. 

Plum

Many things have happened in the past few weeks. Besides the whole thing in the previous blogpost, I've finally moved and stayed with him. Yeay for me.

You see, after enduring the LDR for quite some time, Allah finally answers my prayers. So far, it feels great. Hopefully it will stay that way. The chores and learning to share everything with someone definitely is not easy. But I would never exchange it with another LDR.

Work office changes as well. I'm lonely, work-wise. People here seems distant and cold. I'm having trouble making friends *sigh.

I can get through this inshallah. I've always been a fighter after all.

Prune

Nothing appeared in the screen after a few US. I prepared myself for the bad news. My mood went down the drain. I cant stop thinking about it. Then again, he motivated me. He always said the nicest thing to keep up my spirit.

'Allah tahu apa yang terbaik untuk kita. If it meant to be, it will be.'

After countless of clinics/hospital visits, I've started to feel redha and anticipate for any results. No one knew about it except for him and our moms from both sides. I dont talked about it to others. I cant; that's me in time of crisis, i rather dwell it alone rather than talked about it publicly.

We went to the last hospital that have the technology required. While waiting, we talked about me being hospitalized and getting ready for an operation. We went inside the consultation room and talked to the doctor with a reference letter from previous doctor. We did not giving up but there is a fine line between in denial and surrendered. We chose to surrender everything to Allah.

The doctor performed the US and wallah, there it is. We saw it for the first time with the heart beat. MasyaAllah. O Allah the Greatest.

I almost had no hope left, but Allah took it awhile from us and reminds us that everything is under His will. If it meant to be, it will be.

It has been such a roller-coaster ride. Thank you Allah for this blessing. I'm in awed. still am.

Raspberry

So this tiny raspberry is playing such a cheeky game with us. We went for US last week and we saw nothing. My heart dropped, literally. The doc assured us that it is something not to be worried and we need to come back in 2 weeks time. My other half as usual made a lame joke; that tiny raspberry was playing hide and seek!


In a way I'm a bit nervous and I really hope everything goes well. But in the matter of rezki, we must put trust in Allah. If it meant to be ours, it will be ours. So, I try to be positive and take a good care of myself. I need to or else I'll go crazy about this.


If anyone that read this, please make dua' for me. keeping my mind at peace aint easy these past days.

Blueberry

So today is a pretty odd day. It starts off very interesting. Of all my life, stripes or lines were never my thing. Not until after tying the knot, oh boy having a double line is something that I looked forward every freaking month.

So today is the day. I met my first double line. I thought about it, even dream of it but today it became true. Allah. I'm in shocked. dumbfounded. speechless.

It finally happened!

Based on my App tracker, it's in a size of blueberry. I would love to documented the journey, hopefully inshallah.

Then which of the favors of your lord will ye deny?
Ar rahman: 3

Thank you Allah.

Split Identity

I was carpooling with few guys in the car on the way back to working place (which is approx. 3 hours drive from home). They are new colleagues and they just got to know my other half.  Those who already knew him, knows how he is a total opposite of me. I'm loud and cheeky at times while he is more polite and composed. Haha.

These people barely met him. and yes, I should be more like him as people do mature with time. but, he knows this side of me. I'll dance around when the mall played song that I like, make stupid remarks when nervous or laugh loudly in the public. I'll tone down this side of me whenever with him at public (I'll still get crazy when we're both alone, duh) and they were quite shocked to see that side of me.

So, once we're all in the car, they shouted at me. they said I have a split identity and I did not show my true color to him. oh, come one. I choose to be that way and he likes me because of my crazy personality.

Don't you act differently with your best friend and acquaintance? it does not necessarily means we have a split identity aite? hahaha.

till then.

the LDR

Last night we were talking through the phone as usual. Being far from each other, the only means of connection that we have is mobile phone. Usually we talked twice a day, sharing our daily activity and what not. Sometimes we discussed serious matters and not talking about it in front of each other was excruciating. But we get used to it. We have to. We really dont have a choice aren't we?

So last night he was talking about my clothes.

" Baby, you have a lot of green and koko clothes." I giggled while he's counting.

"At least you 5 green and 4 koko jubah and baju kurung."

"I have other colors as well but they are here with me. I have a lot of dark blue blouse, you know."

I can sense his smile through the phone. My heart smile too. For some, our conversation sounded dull and boring but his attentive manner towards me is heart melting really.

The distance maybe painful but we take it positively. Maybe this is one way from Allah to train us to be more patience in our relationship. And to prepare us for more adversity in the future. Yet we keep praying that one fine day will come and we can be together as family.

Of being skeptical: not easily convinced; having doubts or reservations.

I am an avid driver. I travelled 4 hours every week going back hometown for 2 and half year, alone. There was no highway back then, hence the route is quite challenging. Once in a while, I felt sleepy driving, I took a nap at nearby mosque. alone. Scary isn't it. A girl driving and sleeping alone in a quiet route.

Tawakkal. All I have is that Allah is watching over me. aint joking, that is what I felt. As going back hometown every week is my obligation towards my parent, I pray that He will watch over me; my safety, my condition and my health. This is where I truly learnt the concept of tawakkal and it gives massive impact on how I see the world afterwards.

So, I believe that I am a strong and independent woman. When you're one, it easy to feel skeptic to others. When you hear someone said that they afraid of driving alone and they cant do something if there is no guy around, you feel skeptical towards them. You looked down on them. You belittled their effort.

I trapped in that connotation once. But as time goes by, it dawns on me that everyone have different capability. Instead of being cynical and skeptic, I should try to understand them better. Everyone was raised differently, hence they have different life values.

So quit being skeptic towards others. If you were raised poor, don't be skeptic to the rich. If you were raised academically well, don't look down on less smart people. Understand first, then you judge.

anger management

It is official that I am not patience. I'm that kind of girl who is rather climb the stairs than waiting for elevator (up only level 3, aha!). Previously, I'll try to deny it and acted cool about everything. But, as much as I would love to train myself to be more patience, I am not one yet. The only thing different is now I can control my reaction better compared to before.

Instead of giving a cynical remarks or showing tantrum, now I just kept myself quiet and tried to suppress my anger and find something good to talk about.

But once in a while, I get loose. I can't suppress that anger. and I'm scared of myself whenever that happened (though it is very rare nowadays).

Now, what really grinds my gears: what the heck touch n go website took so long to load?! grrrrr

Penawar

Di awal kerja dulu saya selalu dilanda tekanan kerja. Mungkin masih baru, terlalu banyak perkara untuk dipelajari. Lalu saya cuba mencari ketenangan dengan bersosial dengan sahabat handai. Saya keluar makan malam hari dan menonton wayang saban minggu. Saya berasa seronok dan melalui hari-hari sebegitu bagaikan sang penagih.

Tetapi itu adalah keseronokan yang bersifat sementara. Bila badan terlentang di tilam, fikiran menerawang. Saya masih resah. Saya menjadi pemarah (read: bitter) dengan setiap perkara yang kecil. Cuma saya cuba untuk tidak bersifat negatif tapi jauh di sudut hati saya tahu, saya resah.


Sehinggalah saya bertemu Tuhan. Saya cuba mencari Tuhan setelah bertahun saya fikir saya mampu beroleh ketenangan melalui manusia dan dunia. Saya nekad mencari Tuhan. Jika selama ini solat selalu di hujung waktu dan asal siap. Saya cuba untuk menjadikan solat paling utama. Saya cuba walaupun masih lagi terbabas. Saya cuba membaiki bacaan Al Quran sebanyak mungkin. Saya kembali belajar untuk melengkapkan ibadah yang ada.


Kadang-kadang saya menangis kerana takut. Takut jika hati ini tidak istiqamah, takut tergoda lagi dengan semua ini. Kali ini saya takut dengan sepenuhnya.

Lalu, Allah juga hadirkan rasa tenang tak berbelah bahagi. Setiap kali runsing dan resah, saya berdoa. Ajaibnya Allah hadirkan rasa tenang begitu sahaja tanpa sebarang pengantara.


Cubalah, mungkin kita berkongsi penawar yang sama.

to the moon and back

'I love you, do you love me today?'

I asked. He chuckled. He may get bored that been asked the same question everyday.

'I love you soooo much.'

But he never get bored to answer me. His patience always get to me. I feel complete. May Allah bless this relationship with mawaddah, rahmah and sakinah.

p/s: I know it's cliche but I promise myself to write with more honesty and transparency. hope to keep the momentum.

Semuanya didalam perancangan Allah.

Selepas setahun, terlalu banyak perkara yang saya belajar. Memilih untuk setia kepada seseorang sehingga bila-bila, melalui waktu susah dan senang bersama , bukanlah perkara yang mudah. Ketika datang syaiton menggoda, hidup boleh menjadi ribut.

Toleransi hidup berdua sangatlah penting. Saya harus bersyukur kerana sehingga kini dia adalah seorang yang bertoleransi tinggi. Saya yang keras kepala, rebellious, dan tak mendengar kata ini - dia masih mampu bertahan.

Alhamdulillah, saya bersyukur dengan setahun yang membahagiakan. bahagia dengan cara yang berbeza -  bitter sweet. Masih mampu bertahan dan senyum dengan lontaran soalan-soalan pedas kehidupan peribadi; soal anak dan rezki. Tapi dia sangat tenang dan berkata; Semuanya didalam perancangan Allah.

Hanya yang melalui sahaja akan memahami. dan dia sebagai kawan baik adalah insan yang paling memahami gelora jiwa ini. hanya Dia juga yang maha mendengar segala rintihan kami.

Setahun yang pelbagai. Alhamdulillah.

Everyday little adventure

Salah satu filem kegemaran saya adalah The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Hari ini saya mengulang tengok cerita ini selepas menonton cerita ini setahun yang lepas. Banyak adegan-adegan daripada cerita ini masih kekal menambat hati saya. Bagi saya, cerita ini memberi banyak ilham (read: inspiring).

Terasa sangat dekat di hati. Jalan ceritanya mudah namun perjalanan hidupnya yang mengagumkan. Walter Mitty yang bukan siapa-siapa melainkan penjaga negatif filem untuk syarikat majalahnya. Melalui hari-hari yang sama (dan membosankan) saban hari sebagai eksekutif, dia menemui adventure nya yang tersendiri di pertengahan umur.

Saya kira, setiap hari punya cabaran yang tersendiri. Namun, saya masih belum menemui adventure seperti Walter Mitty. Sama ada saya bakal menemuinya atau tidak, saya berpuas hati dengan dunia saya sekarang.

I'm contented. Alhamdulillah.